Communication with Parents And Setting Expectations

The Bane of Coaching

The bane of coaching. Dealing with parents. I say "dealing" because most coaches are not very good at parent / coach communication and it turns into a debacle. Let's face it, in todays world, it can be very difficult. Especially with parents who feel entitled, think their player is the next D1 phenom, or are just difficult people to deal with.

I have been blessed in my 19 years of coaching to have had AMAZING parents. Mostly. There are exceptions, but to be honest, it wasn't anything effective communication couldn't resolve. I also had great people around me to handle a lot of this IF it happened.

I bring this topic up because I recently heard a coach talking about a bad encounter with a parent because their practice ran over their schedule. The player was a freshman and that parent was not happy that practice ran over and was going to "talk" and confront the coach. On the field! There are a lot of things wrong with this scenario so lets break it down and explore some options to make your life easier.

COACH

The HC is responsible for the team and everything that happens with the team. Period. The HC is responsible for planing the practice and practicing the plan. This is critically important because the HC needs to balance the needs of the team AND the student-athlete who has other responsibilities i.e. homework, studying, work, helping at home, etc.

Further, the head coach MUST absolutely set team/program/parent expectations at the beginning of the season i.e. Spring. This must be done in person and through team documents and player/parent agreements, etc. If the HC does not do this, it becomes a mess and huge pain in the ass for the HC and coaching staff.

The HC is responsible for the team and everything that happens with the team. Period.

PLAYER

Your players must know, understand and acknowledge the standard of the team and the team/player expectations. Your player must communicate these to their parents. Further, IF you plan on going over on your practice time, the player should inform their parents. Assuming, the HC has communicated this to the team. Finally, the player MUST be informed and coached up that parents NEVER talk to the coaching staff. It is the players responsibility to talk to their coaches. If there is an issue, the player needs to bring it to their position coach or HC. Players MUST be coached on self advocacy. This is a lost skill in life. If you can coach your players on self advocacy, this will be a life skill for them! If a player is concerned about playing time, depth chart, passes "being open", etc. they need to talk to their coach. NOT have their parents call or reach out! Players need to self advocate. Period.

PARENT

Parents must know the proper way to engage their coach. They should start with the AD who will then speak with the HC. NEVER the parent. Parents are never to discuss team issues, player issues (unless it is medical or personal problem, etc.), playing time, depth chart, other players, etc. NEVER! Further, when a parent decides to break these cardinal rules and approach the coach, they are doing untold harm to the child and your player. They are destroying his credibility with the team, his coaches and now he becomes "that kid". The player is now indescribably embarrassed in front of his team mates, coaches, etc. A terrible thing to do to a player. Parents need to think about this. IF what I am (the parent) about to say is for my sake or my child? Especially if it is something like going over on time in practice.

Whether at the youth level or HS, this is a major issue. I have coached up or talked with so many coaches that list parent/coach interaction as the biggest issues about coaching. So much so, many have left coaching because they got sick of dealing with the essay about why their son wasn't playing or on the field enough backed up by stats, or the parent who is mad because their son is always late from practice, etc. It can be a mess. Especially in today's world!

Further, a special breed of challenge is if a parent has donated a lot of money to the program, bought gear, etc. and their player is not playing? Oh man. I have seen this too. Mainly at the elite private schools, but holy smokes what a mess. However, I blame this on the HC not setting expectations up front or before the "donation". Yes, I know it can be hard. You needed that new blaster or some other piece of gear or new uniforms or weight room, etc. But if you don't set the expectation upfront and share your standard, you get what you get. No amount of new gear is worth the aggravation of selling your coaching soul. You can do without that new inflatable. Trust me.

So, what can coaches do to ensure this is negated, remediated, and nipped in the bud? Aside from taking my Coaching Best Practices and Developing a Program of Excellence Clinic? Here are few things to make your life easier as a HC.

1: Work with your AD to ensure there is a proper method to handle and engage parent concerns and issues i.e. follow the chain of command.

2: Before the season starts... when you have a "Meet the Coaches" parent night, etc. the HC should outline the team standard (You MUST have one!), objectives and expectations for the team, players and parents. This must include my parent/coaching rules:

• Parents are forbidden to discuss the following with the HC or anyone on the coaching staff

  • Playing Time

  • Depth Chart

  • Other Players

  • Play Calling

  • Program Standards/Objectives

  • Coaching Decisions

  • Never approach a coach to discuss the above or discuss grievances. ESPECIALLY in front of the team OR player. Especially if you the parent and are angry.

  • Coaches must not respond to parents via email for a whole slew of reasons i.e. legal, tone, intent, emotion, etc. Refer the parent to the AD AND CC the AD on any and all unpleasant communication. Your role is to be the HC of the team. The AD's job is to deal with any issues. Many coaches say, I have a 24 hour rule before I respond. STOP! DO NOT RESPOND DIRECTLY. No 24 hour rule. Its the AD's job to respond. If he or she needs to talk to you about it, they will. If the parent sends you an email or text, forward it to the AD to deal with.

  • Hopefully you have a good AD who supports you and you are on the same page. Take my  Coaching Best Practices and Developing a Program of Excellence Clinic if you need help on doing this.

  • Etc.

3: Any parent issues should be addressed to the AD who can then discuss with the HC if appropriate. If you are blindsided by a parent, instruct them calmly to reach out to AD. DO NOT get into it. You will only get mad and make things worse.

4: During games NEVER walk near or by parents during half time. If you do, ensure you use the buddy method and travel with another coach. YOU DO NOT need to be ambushed by a pissed off parent or a parent who thought that 4th down play should have been a punt. Or an opposing parent talking smack. Hopefully, you can keep your team in the end zone or walk to a close by locker room away from parents. But if you need to walk by the stands, head my warning!

5: Set the expectations up front and you will save yourself a ton of issues in the season

Now that we have outlined the things you DON'T Do, here are some things you can do to develop a strong and positive relationship with your parents (Coaching Best Practices and Developing a Program of Excellence Clinic) .

1: Share and get them to buy into your standard and objectives .

2: Engage them in fundraising, carwashes, cookouts, potlucks, etc. Let them get to know you and your staff. They are after all part of the team!

3: Give them roles and responsibilities to help have some ownership in the program. When people feel apart of something they want to help not hinder!

4: Recognize your outstanding parents in some way to show they are appreciated by you and your staff.

5: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! What does this mean? As the HC or AHC, you have responsibility to communicate to your team and staff, but also your parents. Clearly, they don't need to know your practice plan or whether you are in full pads versus shells, etc. but...they DO need to know if you plan to practice late this week in prep for the big rivalry, they do need to know if you have younger players that don't drive and will need a ride, they do need to know if the players will need to bring money for new T Shirts or a trip to MCD on the way home, or if your away game return trip is stuck in traffic and you will be arriving back to school later than expected, etc.

Mitigate the variables and you will have happy parents and ultimately happy players. Communicate and you have a happy team. I used to get complimented on how well I communicated with my parents and how they appreciated being kept in the loop. It made their busy days easier and they felt like part of the team and football family.

Yes, it means more work for you as the HC. But, you wanted to be HC. This is part of the gig. Lastly, I would say everything I have said is from direct experience. At the HS level, your expectations for your Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors is different than it is for Freshmen. But everyone should be held to the same standard. I always made it a point to hold Freshmen to the same standards on and off the field as the rest of the team. We are a TEAM after all. When you communicate with your players, they should also communicate to their parents. Its your job to ensure they do. They are in high school, so don't assume!

If you are a youth coach, you will need to over communicate and set expectations. Unfortunately, you may not have an AD to help you, but you should have a program president who can. Remember, at the youth level, parents can be just as crazy as they are at the HS level or worse. Ultimately and in most cases, they just want what you should want. The best for their child and a good sport experience. Happy players play longer and develop a love for the game. That is part of your job. If you don't love the game, you probably shouldn't be playing or coaching.

In closing, remember, the more you communicate, set expectations and boundaries, define, share and execute your standard, you will have a much easier job and can focus on coaching and not dealing with parents at 7AM Saturday morning after a tough Friday night loss complaining about playing time. Many of you know what I am talking about. I have even heard of parents who got onto their son's Hudl, pulled the plays and stats to let you know how many times he was open and you didn't throw to him! Insane! That sucks...bad.

If you need help or ideas on this topic and more about developing

a program of excellence, sign up for next Coaching Best Practices and Developing a Program of Excellence Clinic !

Coach David Frederick